PAINT ME PERFECT

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It is true, it is very true, we do not fall in love with the people that we meet, we fall in love with the image and the portrait that we create of them, it is “the idea” of them that draws us to them and not necessarily the “true-being” of them. This image is picture- perfect. That is to us, at least. We pull this portrait out of our infinite minds, not caring that this image is sometimes not even based on what these would-be relations have presented to us; merely, on what we would like them to be to us, on what we would like to change them into. And we spend our whole lives trying to change those that we say we adore, into that famous ridiculous painting we hold so dear in our minds. Once they fail to change to our specifications, we get mad, we complain, curse and start to argue, accusing these self-same people of changing; when actually they never changed, they are who they always were. Just because they failed to transform into what we were molding, does not mean that they changed, no one changed, the picture-perfect portrait reigned supreme in our minds, somehow we thought we could win, realizing that we can not have the portrait, we despair, rant, kick and tell the world, “ I want out,” moving on then to the next victim and going through the same cycle over and over, desperately trying to fit this idea of ours, this perfect costume, onto any one person we think might carry it best.

We do this through out our lives, in all of our friendships, relations and even mere encounters. This obsession to change “that which is” into that “which we think it should be,” starts very early on when we are babies. It starts when Mother and Father look at their little bundle of joy and go about trying to change Junior into a mini adult. It starts when Mother dresses you in a skirt that looks very similar to hers, sends you to the same school that she went to, rejects the friends that she can not figure out, and finally rejects that boyfriend who does not act like, look like, or reason like your Father. I think that from a very early age, we teach our children that life is all about altering the things around us into images that make sense to our finite minds, instead of taking those new and differing things, studying them, opening up our minds to their infinite difference and trying to incorporate them into our own lives. When we encounter differences in our lives, our innate reaction is to back away, then slowly approach, trying out our altering techniques to build the difference into something familiar. We are less ready to accept the unfamiliar than we are to accept the normal, the usual and the common.

And now I have to find away to relate all of this gibberish to the human relations that I was talking about in the first place. In attempting to find a partner with who to share our lives, we sometimes go for the one we are most similar to, the one with common interests. For instance, sharing the same fascination for art, working at Cross Word puzzles, being sporty, reads the same type of books, or listens to the same type of music. This happens at a less advanced stage, because after a while, we realize that the person is so similar to us, too similar perhaps, it is like living with your own self, or living with a twin. Whereas we felt that the person we are to spend eternity with should be in very real terms similar to us, we come to the necessary conclusion that the relationship is one big party of endless familiarity; too boring, too predictable, too much too alike.

Advancing on, we try to get someone who looks like, reads like, laughs like, or behaves like a fragment of our past. This is where, two months into the relationship, we realize that his favorite song is one of Beethoven’s renditions, the very same one that your father adores, this is where the aunts start telling you that she looks like your mother who passed away when you were too little to remember. This is where we fall in love with people that remind us of a once glorious past. But let me caution here; we do not do any of these things consciously, in fact, we make these decisions on a very unconscious level and it is not until the nosy aunts with their big mouths point it out, that we come to this frightening, albeit, sweet realization. It is the friends and the friends of friends, the people close to us, it is only them that can see the startling resemblance and the connectedness, we remain always unaware.

And from then on, I have no idea what level we get to, who knows why two people end up together, a lot of factors play a profound role in this life changing decision, like the looks of the person, their personality, their ability to care for us, our ability to love them, and so on and so fourth. I am no expert in relations and I never seek to be. But I know that many times when we take a turn at this “love-thing,” we go into it with all the best intentions known to man. With our best intentions we allow ourselves to be welcomed into the life of another, enjoying the newness, the attention, the fun games and fun times, oh so magical this whole “love-thing.” And then at some point, after we have settled in, unpacked our bags, looked at everything that is on offer, at some point in all of this new beginning, our innate selfishness sets in and we start to wonder if there is more on the menu than meets the eye. We are never satisfied with what is being presented to us, somehow we must have more, it is always about more and more. Man in inherently selfish in his being; did you know that when Eve was created, she took a stroll in the Garden and catching sight of her reflection in a little pond, she fell instantly in love with her great beauty, rejecting Adam’s advances because she felt no one could be more beautiful and wonderful like she was. If you do not believe my version of story, ask John Milton, he knows, he will tell you; Eve was so obsessed with her awesomeness and from that fallacy stems our innate selfishness to change every person we come across into something pleasing to us. Man is innately selfish. But selfishness is not a sin in and of itself; in fact, it can be a life-saver sometimes, more on that later…

After settling into our comfortable relations, we get uneasy, fidgety, panicky even and we forget everything that attracted us to the situation in the first place. What we never realize is that we have always had this picture of the perfect human, in our minds. I do not know at what age we sketch it out, but I have a feeling we start building the image right from birth. The perfect human is he who is not us, he that will provide our every need including happiness, joy, love, caring, the car, the warmth; she that will cook the food, clean the house, and raise the babies. He that will make you whole; she that will complete you. We get into every relation with the wrong idea, the false image, the mistaken belief that we are un-whole, and so need to be made whole by another, that we are unloved, and so need to be loved by another. The erroneous belief often goes unchecked and we set about trying to re-create, with such gusto, the picture perfect human. From suggesting things that the partner can do differently, to proposing a change of job, change of State, change of lifestyle, we never tire in our effort to try and change people into the false images that we carried with us when we moved into their lives. Instead of accepting the wonderful differences, we complain about them, instead of appreciating the dissimilarities, we crash them with all the force we can master. In the end, we destroy the very thing we are trying to modify, when the transition fails to please us, we get angry and hurtful, everybody gets hurt, there are no winners: just losers in association. There is no way for me to conclude this piece of writing, God knows I have been looking for a fantastic way to make my exit; like a solution, or a nice piece of advice, a famous quote, or a clever remark. What closing statement shall I use? I have no advice; I have no witty retort, no response whatsoever. All I have, I have said, that which I left out, you fill in the blanks, I am no teacher, no preacher, this is no lecture. It is what I see around me, these are the conclusions I make for myself, and there is no better way to use them than to share them. Happy Holidays Everyone.