THIS LOVE THING

So I think I am back to that same bitter stage, you know that stage where I laugh cynically at every kissing couple I walk by, sneer at all the “facebook” pictures with happy smiling boy-girl faces with an annoying status that reads, “in a relationship.” Oh I can not believe I am back to that same old song where I hate anything to do with happy people being “in love.” Just thinking about it gives me goose bumps and makes me want to throw up. But there is nothing wrong with being “in-heart” with someone, it’s nice, it’s sweet, it annoys me so much. And the reason why it annoys me is because, like always, I have only managed 2 months. Yes, two months, that is, eight week, a mere eight weeks is how long I have managed to do this “relationship thing.”
I am ashamed and very embarrassed with myself, every time I talk to people asking them how long they have been together, it is always a fabulously gigantic number like 3 years, or eighteen months, or nine years. It is always in terms of years, and how long have I gone in a relationship, eight…weeks. Oh, I weep at my pathetic case.
To be honest I do not know the last time I had a relationship, and by relationship I mean that you date the person and spend time with them for a little over 2 months, less than that and it does not count as a relationship, it is something else and we should come up with a name for it. I am not sad about my break up and this is by far not a weeping letter; by no means no, I am actually a bit relieved that I am not in the “relationship thing” anymore because now I can concentrate on other things; like hating everyone who is in love, and sneering at happy boyfriends and girlfriends.
I will never understand why I seem to be incapable of having a lasting relationship. Maybe it is because I never stay in one country long enough to build something solid, maybe it is because I have not found “the-one”, that is a sad excuse by the way; there is no “the-one” he does not and will never exist, period. Or maybe it is because I am too cynical when it comes to love. I am the most positive person you will ever meet, but when it comes to matters of the heart, I am the first to spit on love and roll my eyes during the romantic scenes of any movie, song or situation. Cynism, is my big problem. But no, maybe I do not have any luck in this “love thing” because even though I love being in a relationship, I find it limiting sometimes and maybe deep down inside I really don’t want to be in a relationship, maybe that is just the way it is.
But that can not be right; I do love being in love, in relationships, blah, blah, blah. I like all of those things and now I can not understand why my ex boyfriend decided to end things. I was going to break up with him anyway but I was not expecting him to break up with me, it was my job to end things, not his. Having said that, I do not see why he would want to break things off with me; I am beautiful, intelligent, too intelligent I think, funny, wonderful, loving, caring, clean, generous, loving, peaceful, loving, I am all of these things and who wouldn’t want all of this in life. There is nothing about me that I would consider less than perfect; I have the body of a goddess, the hips of Venus, the smile of Mona Lisa and the brains of Zeus. Why oh why would anyone not want me. If I was a guy I would fall madly in love with me and buy me the whole world. I would spoil me with all sorts of expensive gifts, take me on vacation and obsess over me, making love to me over and over again. If I was a guy I would adore me. But I am not a guy, and you know what, I still adore me. Even though this makes me sound a little too full of myself, I see nothing wrong with it, I do not care that “the” ex boyfriend doesn’t see the great person that is me, I love me and I have plenty of love to go around.
The sex, I will miss the sex, I will miss the sex more than anything. It was not just sex, it was “making love” and I truly believe that every time we made love, he and I became one whole person and spirit, the sex was admirable, even I didn’t know that I had it in me. Oh the sex, the night-long sex… But there is an advantage here; at least now I will not have to wait anxiously for my periods. At least now I will not have to worry biting my nails nervously, holding that pregnancy test with shaky hands and waiting for that negative to appear; that is the most nerve wrecking moment in any woman’s life. That is, any woman who is not trying for a baby and who sure-as-hell does not want a baby…just yet. For help you God should that little blue or red mark read positive or “pregnant” then you can bet there will be a flood of light hitting your face as you watch your whole life crashing down on you while you sink and think and wonder what you are going to do next. Anyway, I won’t have any of that anxiety, and that is a freedom that I will enjoy fully, unless of course I get seduced by one of only 2 people capable of seducing me in this life; #213 and Coldwell. I should be fine unless one of these two men steps up to me and works his magic, and then I will be in trouble, but I will try hard to resist. I am a master at resistance; it can not be that hard. But for now, yes for now, I am free and I hate all you people who are in happy relationships. However, I wish you all great happiness and you never know; one day, maybe just maybe one day I will be able to do this “relationship-thing” for more than the meager two months that I seem to fall at. Until that day comes, I shall enjoy my simple little life full of greatness and magic even you can’t touch.